How to Know if You Are Drunk

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See if you suddenly think you’re Superman.,
See if you’re busting out the wild dance moves.,
See if you start telling a stranger your most intimate personal details.,
See if you start confessing your love to your crush.,
See if you start sending incoherent text messages.,
See if you’re highly emotional for no reason.,
See if you lose all coordination.,
See if the people around you seem confused by you.,
See if you remember nothing the next day.,
See if you’re acting completely out of character.

If you’re drunk, then you may start thinking of that nearly-empty bottle of malt liquor in front of you as invincibility juice. Have you started to feel wildly empowered, ready to do anything, and capable of complicated physical tasks? Have you tried to pick up a person heavier than you are, to walk on your hands, or to climb the side of a building? Engaged in an arm-wrestling contest with an ogre? Tried to lift eight boxes filled with lead? If so, you are drunk, drunk, drunk.

, If you’re normally a dancer, great. But if you’re more of a wallflower and are suddenly doing “The Macarena” with your Aunt Gerta at her retirement party, or trying to break dance to some hip hop while falling all over the floor, then you may have had a bit much to drink. It’s okay to drink to get a bit more dancing fuel, but if you find yourself trying out moves you would never dream of on a cold sober night, then you are drunk.

, Maybe you just met a friend of a friend, have become acquainted with your cousin’s new girlfriend, or were just introduced to the guy who works on the 3rd floor at your annual Christmas party. Okay, so far, so good. But have you found yourself talking about how you think you have genital warts? Your inability to cope with the death of Pooh-Pooh, your pet gerbil? How you have a fear of intimacy that goes back to walking in on your parents doing the deed when you were in third grade? If you find yourself revealing these intimate details to anyone who will (or tries not to) listen, then you guessed it–you’re drunk.

, You’ve opened a bottle of wine or your second box of Franzia and see your crush walk in across the room. And suddenly, you’re in front of him, talking about how cute he looks, how much you like him, and then–gasp–you’re suddenly leaning in for a kiss…only to land face-first on the floor. If you find yourself revealing this intimate information to the person you like while knowing that you would never dream of doing so in the light of day, then you are drunk, my friend.

, Check out your phone log from the last hour. As soon as you notice that it’s nearly impossible to type or to get a coherent word out, it’s time to put away that texting machine and to chug some water.

, Are you suddenly crying just because of your friend’s Halloween screening of Hocus Pocus? Are you weeping into your dinner because your friend wished you a happy birthday? Are you inconsolable because your crush didn’t show up to the party? If you’re not normally a high drama person but are suddenly upset or touched by every little thing that happens, then you are drunk.

You know that warm, fuzzy feeling that makes you feel like everyone around you loves you and that the world is all right? Yep, that’s alcohol.

, Having a hard time opening the bathroom door? Unzipping your own pants? Dipping a pita chip into a giant bowl of hummus? If so, then you are losing your coordination because you have had a bit too much to drink. If walking from one end of the room to the other is suddenly a grueling task, then your body has been inhibited by alcohol.

, Do you think you’re in the middle of a winning story about how you won the spelling bee when you were in the 4th grade or about your life-changing volunteering trip to Costa Rica…only to find that the people around you are squinting up at you, scratching their heads, and looking generally confused by everything you’re saying?

If people keep asking you to repeat yourself or say, “What are you talking about?” or even, “Do I know you?” then you are definitely drunk.

, If you don’t remember what happened the night before, then you were blackout drunk. If you remember a few things, then you can think of yourself as being brownout. Either way, not so good, my friend. Not remembering what you did because you had too much to drink is scary, dangerous, and not a good way to live.

, If you’re normally shy and are suddenly the life of the party, or if you’re normally gregarious but are sitting near the radio, thinking about the meaning of life and swaying to “Dark Side of the Moon,” then you are not acting like yourself. If you think of what you’ve been doing during alcohol time and realize that you were acting like another person completely, or even like a more bold, loud, dramatic person, then you were probably drunk.

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